GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE December

bigtips

What do I do about our little air pollution problem?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

You start out as assigned roommates. You're forced to ride long distances strapped down next to them. You are blamed for things they've done, but eventually you conspire, and learn to commit crimes together. You develop elaborate social codes and mores, a distinct vocabulary, entwined histories. Perhaps a false god. And so the bonds between siblings grow.

My brothers and sister and I are rarely together for the holidays any more, because we're sprinkled pretty far and wide geographically. The last time we were all in the same place, though, I realized that despite the time that had elapsed and the physical distance that usually separates us, not much has changed.

Most noticeably, my sister is still a Hunter and Shaker. I, myself, respect that timeless seasonal charade: Pretend You Don't See the Wrapped Boxes in the Closet. What could be more mystical than a shimmering pyramid of pure surprise on Christmas morning? I'm 35 and I still dig it.

Not so for Theresa. From when she was old enough to detect the glint of a pre-formed sateen sticky bow until this very day, she's focused her keen senses on snouting out all secret corners of holiday giving. And not just her stuff. She'll come to you and say, "I know what you're getting from Mom." At which point you are still compelled to put your

Curbside

STATE OF THE UNION 1999 BY un

REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO SIT AND MAKE UP SONGS FOR ME? I'D STRIP YOU DOWN NAKED AND WE'D HAVE THE BEST TIME..!

MODEST

MOUSE

~ ROBERT KIRBY

WHAT?

GOD,

I WAS

JUST KIDDING!

THOSE WERE THE DAYS&

YOUR BOSS SAID YOU'D' CALLED IN SICK?

MMN. WHAT'D YOU DO?

YEAH, YOU'D

HAVE THE BEST TIME!

YEAH, I JUST COULDN'T SPEND MY DAY MAKING ESPRESSOS AND LATTE'S FOR PEOPLE... I WANTED SOME "ME" TIME!

NOTHIN' MUCH... WENT TO THE MOVIES..

SO WHAT'D YOU SEE? WHAT'S WITH ALL

THE QUESTIONS?

NOTHING.

DARK CORNERS

hands over your ears and say, "La la la, I can't hear you," until she goes off to torment someone else.

Of course this behavior escalates when things are actually placed under the tree, and by Christmas Eve that year, she knew the creases and dimensions of every package she'd be opening the next morning.

Joe and I smelled blood. Since we were still young enough to be rude about it, we refused to go to midnight mass with the rest of the Martone clan. After the last one of them tugged their boots on and bustled out into the snow, we sat and looked at each other for a second in the blinking light of the tree.

Cheeky." "To the Little Children of the World from Cheeky." For some reason, this mythic "Cheeky" and his obvious generosity filled us with near-incontinent hysteria, and we decided that he was indeed a force greater than any of us.

BIG TIPS

Then we rushed to the office. "Mom didn't use all the gift tags. Grab a pen."

We had an hour, and we sat under the tree, picking the tags off of each one of Theresa's presents, and putting new tags on them. "To Mary from Dad." "To Joe from Joe."

We started making up recipients and givers. "To Pope John Paul II from Santa." "To Mom from Cheeky." "To Billy Joel from

ADRENALINE

GOD, FUCK ME, NATHAN... FUCK ME FOREVER..... MOANE

VANILLA SPICE

I want to say that there was a big surprise for Theresa on Christmas morning, but do you think she'd go to bed without one last perusal of her future spoils? Joe and I hightailed it upstairs as the first confusion sputtered from under the tree. "Hey, this was mine! John Paul II?” May Cheeky be benevolent to you and

yours.

Dear Big Tipper,

My girlfriend stinks. Lately, she just feels free to fart whenever and wherever she wants. I don't fart in public, because it's rude. She says that's not natural, and laughs at me.

The worst is when she farts when I'm down between her legs. She tells me I'm uptight, and I need to relax. She's not always a rude person, but why is she being so mean? Why would I want to have sex with her if I'm constantly in danger of this?

An Ill Wind Blows No Good

BY ROBERT KIRBY YEAH, MY THESIS MY DOCTORATE MY MY PRO MY NOVEL

MY ASS.

I'LL FUCK YOU'TIL WE'RE BOTH DEAD, BABY!

OW! C'MON, DREW, THAT HURTS!

YEAH, AND YOU LOVE IT. TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE IT, BITCH!

I LOVE

IT, I LOVE IT! YUHE

D.L. Dunkle & Associates

A LESBIAN & GAY PSYCHOTHERAPY PRACTICE

Debra L. Dunkle, LISW

Jane Miller, MSSA, LSW

Martha Webb, CCDC, LPC

Lisa Gilbert, MD

John O'Connor, LISW

Offering Professional, Confidential Services To Individuals, Couples, And Groups.

12417 Cedar, Suites 21-24 Cleveland Heights, Ohio 44106 216-229-2100

DEG GRANTS

HEY, DREW, WE SHOULD GET GOING.

ONE SEC.

OH, DID I INTRODUCE YOU

SPEAKING IN TONGUES

"MY BRAIN'S THE BURGER.... YOU FOLLOWED HIM??

THAT'S NOT NORMAL, DREW! JUST CONFRONT HIM!ASK HIM!

I WAS GOING THAT WAY ANYWAY!

IBUD

OH SURE:" ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?" THAT'LL GO OVER REAL BIG!

...AND MY HEART'S THE COAL"

www.comicazee.com

Dear Cecil and Beano,

Why indeed? God knows I'm not down there between your girlfriend's legs.

I don't know why she's acting like this. Some folks are just more public about farting. Maybe she grew up around casual windbreakers, or she loosened up in adulthood. It's a slippery slope. One minute you're letting an occasional silent one slip out at work, and next thing you know you're tooting at dinner and blaming it on the dog.

Maybe she's uncontrollably gassy lately and she's covering up her embarrassment. The issue doesn't seem to be the general farting as much, though, unless she ripped one at the press conference for your Initial Public Offering.

You've said you don't like it when you're having sex, and she keeps doing it. That's disrespectful. If this is the only thing she's doing that makes you mad and not want to have sex, tell her that any gas in the face (without a duly sheepish apology) equals you stopping whatever you're doing for the evening.

If she's doing a lot of annoying things, even if they're couched as teasing, she's mad at you about something that she's not telling you about. Ask her what's going on, and see if there's a reason for her tormenting you.

Hi Tip,

For this special New Year's Eve, I want to surprise my boyfriend by having his name tattooed on my penis. Is this possible? Millennial Manhood

Dear Gift That Keeps On Giving,

Honey, if you hand enough money to someone with an electric needle, anything's possible. That doesn't mean it's wise, safe, or even just the right thing for that special someone.

I've known someone who got the base of his penis tattooed, so yes, it's possible. I also know some tattoo parlors that refuse to put anyone's name on anyone else's anything, unless it's the name of the tattooee's child. It's just hard to know what you're going to want on your dick 30 years from now.

If you want to show that you'd go through pain for him, get a hole poked in your body: It's sexy, and it'll heal up if you get tired of it. If you want to show him the level of commitment you're willing to share with him, get a dog for the two of you.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

HELMETS, WATER BOTTLES, CHAINS, ENERGY BARS, TIES, SHORTS, SEATS, FENDERS, GLOVES, TUBES, BABY CARRIERS, RACKS, LIGHTS, PEDALS

HELMETS, WATER BOTTLES, CHAINS, ENERGY BARS, SHORTS, SEATS, FENDERS, GLOVES, TUBES, CARRIERS

Save on Gift Ideas

GLOVES,

Bicycles, Helmets, Clothing Computers, Tooks & Lights!

BIKE ONE

Bicycle sales, service, and repairs

Gift Certificates available!

1791 Coventry Rd

Cleveland Heights 932-4830

Holiday hours:

Tues & Thurs 11-7

Wed & Fri 11-6

Sat 10-5

10 years and rolling! Let's talk bikes!

SWOM 'SUBn 'NOW NEBBIO ARVE YRA BACT SHONMM SAVES ELUONIS ERILL

'THIVIO SILIOS NIVM

HELMETS, WATER BOTTLES, CHAINS, ENERGY BARS, SHORTS, SEATS, PENDERS, GLOVES, TURES,